The extra arm that we grew to pat ourselves on the back has come in pretty handy now that we’re done fluffing up the home page et. al. with our favorite videos of the year and what not. Yes, our new appendage–unbeknownst to us–just loves messing around on the YouTube. Particularly, digging up videos of people smoking salvia.
Salvia? Yes, salvia divinorum. It’s a form of sage that’s completely legal in the majority of these United States, although, chances are, a federal ban against it is coming soon. Not helping its case any is the massive crop of salvia smoking videos that have mushroomed up online recently. There are thousands of them. And they all pretty much consist of the same thing: people losing their proverbial shit. It’s as entertaining to watch as it undoubtedly is terrifying to experience. Lucky for us, we do not have to partake in this 100% licit activity to enjoy it. Salvia smokers far and wide have already gone through the trouble of documenting their freaky-deaky trips into the mystic online.
So, without further ado, we give you the 13 best salvia videos of 2007:
1. The Best Introduction To The Salvia Experience By A Smoker Who Attempts To Explain His High In Real Time Salvia Video.
Dear blog reader,
Hope you’re having a happy holiday season so far. You are? Good. Because all that’s about to change. When? The very second you set your unsuspecting eyes and ears on this disturbing rendition of “Jingle Bells Rock” brought to you by Mr. “White Wedding.” Or perhaps after this video takes off, he’ll be better known by his new moniker: Mr. “My Cocaine And Vicodin Addiction Saves Me A Lot Of Money On My Plastic Surgery Anaesthesia Bills.”
Asalamalakem,
Super Deluxe Blog
And yet, it is still DOMINATING this poor blog. We can’t seem to write about anything else. We’ve tried. Yesterday, we started a thread about the mainstreaming of Jenkem, which is kind of messed up. We always wanted to keep our little crap huffing hobby underground. But whatever–we’ve got bigger battles to fight right now.
Now, if you missed the debut of Tim And Eric Nite Live last night, you can watch it HERE tomorrow. “But this is the Internet! Why don’t you have it up right now, you fucking half-wits?” Good question! You see, there’s a time lapse in this process because the digital format of the wav. files are and need to be downloaded and rebooted for a higher quality mega-byte pixel of higher definition embed codes from the live broadcast on Windows Media Players to be and forever more optimized in a holy union of online connections to and from the Internet forthright.
So, just to kill some time, we’ve checked some of the forums out there for reactions to Tim And Eric Nite Live’s debut. Here’s what you had to say:
This one was just a seven-second long video:
OK! Judging from all that, we’ll see you next Tuesday night 10 p.m. EST / 7 p.m. PST!
There you go again. It turns out that supposed diary entry that’s running rings around the Internet about you calling George W. a “ne’re-do-well” and “shiftless” is bullshit. And Lord do we know this type of fabrication probably made you really upset up there in Republican heaven (b.t.w., are the Hummers made of clouds or jellybeans there?). So, sue us for wanting to dream the impossible dream! But damnit, Gipper, we’re not going to give up on this classic clip of you and Nancy just saying “yes” to drugs.
Posted Mar 05, 2007
Ronald and Nancy Reagan just say yes in a powerful sermon in favor of drug use.
Dudes, this is un-freakin’-believable!! NASA just released this photo today. I don’t know if you can make it out, but that’s a gigantic pot leaf hovering in the Earth’s stratosphere over Africa. I knew they was some gettin’-high muthafuckas in Djibouti, but this is some next level shit!!
Do you know how high we all could get today if we could twist up that planet-sized parcel of sticky-icky that’s currently causing a solar eclipse over South Africa?? Scientists say its red hairs and crystals alone could keep the continental U.S. smoked out, lifted, blunted, faded, zooted, toasted and dark roasted well into the 22nd century. I bet it’s some of that creeper weed too, so we wouldn’t even really start feeling da effects until 50 years after we toked.
Ooh!! Earth Day is just around the corner, too. Maybe this is God’s lil’ gift to all of us for having to put up with this whole global warming thing.
Oh wait, we’re causing that.
But seriously!! Maybe this Godzilla-ass sweat leaf really is a divine signal, like God saying, “Hey bro’s and chicas, check this out: if you guys stop fouling up Mother Earth with all your emissions, Ding Dong wrappers, and Pimp Juice cans or whatever, I’ll let you toke this celestial nug!!” Man, I’d pray for that. And if we could all chip in and get Dave Matthews Band to play some massive concert broadcast everywhere around the world while we all get baked, that would be killer, too.
OK, there’s a lot to sort between now and when we turn the old nuclear reactors at Three Mile Island into a giant bong. In the meantime, wherever you are today at 4:20 p.m., make sure you’ve got a big ol’ cloud of smoked cheeba in your lungs, brothers and sisters. Just like this lil’ alien dude. He knows how to party.
The story has spread around the Internet faster than a pantyless picture of Dick Cheney crawling out of a stretch Hummer with Fergie sucking on his pacemaker.
Of course, I’m talking about the original Crypt Keeper, Keith Richards…
…and his sobering admission to NME magazine:
“The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow.” Richards continued to explain the scenario in the interview, stating that his father’s ashes “went down pretty well, and I’m still alive. My dad wouldn’t have cared.”
Now, I know everybody’s already jumped on this, but I still have a few questions to “ax.”
Like… Which part of all this would his dad not have cared about: Being snorted like a drug? Comingling with cocaine?? Or being ingested into his fucking son’s already heavily-diluted bloodstream? This is like those moms who buy beer for their high school sons and daughters and let them party in the basement because “at least they’re not out drinking and driving.” At least Keith was keeping his drug use in the family. Or keeping his family in his drug use.
Mr. Richards also says he “couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow.” You know, Keith just couldn’t help himself. God forbid, we’ve all been there. The funeral services come to an end. You find yourself back home. You’re emotionally drained and alone with an urn full of your dead dad’s ashes. Grieving gets pretty boring. So, whaddya do next? Really, it’s a no-brainer. You party!! With dad’s charred remains!!
And another thing: I don’t believe that his father’s ashes are the strangest thing Keith has ever snorted. This is a guy who’s been inhaling controlled substances longer than I’ve been alive. He’s probably crammed entire regions of Colombia into his sinuses. And Lord knows, it couldn’t have all been pure cocaine. At some point, a tropical rat or a hamburger or something probably got mashed up in the mix. Who would’ve known the difference??
This also presents a new dilemna for Keith. Presuming he’s going to keep living forever, what about the funerals and wakes of all of his extended family and friends he’s going to have to attend in the future? Are these events going to prove too much of a temptation for him? Will he end up running around, knocking over urns, snorting everything in sight (and rubbing it on his gums? Couldn’t tell by this British dental habits).
Hey Keith!! Does this make you want to get fucked up??
Man, I know just the sight of a crematorium gives me the “let’s get HIIIIIIIGH” jitters.
With all of this said, I think the funniest part of this truly strange story is how nonplussed everyone is. Most media types have responded with a shrug of the shoulders, and an “Oh, there goes Keith again” reply. The majority of my coworkers have expressed their approval. And my editor, who’s convinced she’ll die before Mr. Richards, says her dying wish… is to be snorted up by him.
Mmm. Start me up.
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