The story has spread around the Internet faster than a pantyless picture of Dick Cheney crawling out of a stretch Hummer with Fergie sucking on his pacemaker.
Of course, I’m talking about the original Crypt Keeper, Keith Richards…
…and his sobering admission to NME magazine:
“The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow.” Richards continued to explain the scenario in the interview, stating that his father’s ashes “went down pretty well, and I’m still alive. My dad wouldn’t have cared.”
Now, I know everybody’s already jumped on this, but I still have a few questions to “ax.”
Like… Which part of all this would his dad not have cared about: Being snorted like a drug? Comingling with cocaine?? Or being ingested into his fucking son’s already heavily-diluted bloodstream? This is like those moms who buy beer for their high school sons and daughters and let them party in the basement because “at least they’re not out drinking and driving.” At least Keith was keeping his drug use in the family. Or keeping his family in his drug use.
Mr. Richards also says he “couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow.” You know, Keith just couldn’t help himself. God forbid, we’ve all been there. The funeral services come to an end. You find yourself back home. You’re emotionally drained and alone with an urn full of your dead dad’s ashes. Grieving gets pretty boring. So, whaddya do next? Really, it’s a no-brainer. You party!! With dad’s charred remains!!
And another thing: I don’t believe that his father’s ashes are the strangest thing Keith has ever snorted. This is a guy who’s been inhaling controlled substances longer than I’ve been alive. He’s probably crammed entire regions of Colombia into his sinuses. And Lord knows, it couldn’t have all been pure cocaine. At some point, a tropical rat or a hamburger or something probably got mashed up in the mix. Who would’ve known the difference??
This also presents a new dilemna for Keith. Presuming he’s going to keep living forever, what about the funerals and wakes of all of his extended family and friends he’s going to have to attend in the future? Are these events going to prove too much of a temptation for him? Will he end up running around, knocking over urns, snorting everything in sight (and rubbing it on his gums? Couldn’t tell by this British dental habits).
Hey Keith!! Does this make you want to get fucked up??
Man, I know just the sight of a crematorium gives me the “let’s get HIIIIIIIGH” jitters.
With all of this said, I think the funniest part of this truly strange story is how nonplussed everyone is. Most media types have responded with a shrug of the shoulders, and an “Oh, there goes Keith again” reply. The majority of my coworkers have expressed their approval. And my editor, who’s convinced she’ll die before Mr. Richards, says her dying wish… is to be snorted up by him.
Mmm. Start me up.
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I know it might seem sadistic; defiling your dead father by mix’n him with a little blow, but maybe he just wanted to keep him around. Like Ivory off ‘How High’. If it were me, I’d deffinately want to get snorted by close friends and family. So they can take me with them where ever they went. What greater compliment is there? Except being spread over a sea of naked ladies. (Horny naked ladies)
I donot think it wise to belittle “the Wizards”,the dude has done more schtoned that you and I could do together straight, and who would want to do that?and besides, the Expensive Winoe’s(schpelt I ) is a work of genius!, I just love Kieth Richards and grewup loveing the Stones, and we all now have some hangin’skin, age do hurryalong I love this site, and the artists onnit!, Imma do my own blog, Lonestar Style as I write as I talk always have,LS