“I was convinced I was going to die.”
That’s how a Norwegian escort is summing up a recent evening with Boy “Still Sexy As Ever” George.
The 28 year-old Norwegian man claims Dr. Evil invited him to his London flat after the two met on some Web site called Gaydar. I assume that it’s some high-tech gadget site a la Sharper Image since it rhymes with “radar.”
Anywho, the man claims George and another man jumped him, handcuffed him to a hook and then produced a box of whips and sex toys–and told him, “Now you’ll get what you deserve!” But just like a true ingrate, the dude wrenched himself free and fled.
What a party pooper.
I too trolled the internet all weekend for a lil’ “companionship,” but unlike George, this is all I found…
Remember those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books we all enjoyed back in our pants-crapping days?
Well, this little exercise is sort of like those books, except I’ll go ahead and tell you upfront, whichever video you choose to watch will produce the same result: you wanting to gouge your own eyes and eardrums out with your cat’s dick.
Now, let’s play Choose Your Own Abortion!!
#1. Celine Dion & some fucking Elvis robot or whatever on “American Idol”
#2. Celine Dion & some fucking Eurotrash chick slaughtering an AC/DC song
Ask yourself which completely unappetizing situation you would choose: either fight off a rabid gang of Turkish brutes (like this bad-ass)…
Turkish Man Fights Mob - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!
…or mount Rosie (like this poor bastard).
In case you haven’t heard, European astronomers are crapping astroids over their latest discovery: the first truly Earth-like planet found outside of our Solar System.
They believe Gliese 581c has the same climate as our planet, has just the right temperature to allow liquid water on its surface and is only 20 light years away.
Oh, and it’s FIVE times bigger than Earth.
So, could there be life there? Scientists say it’s now the best bet in the known universe for supporting aliens. But unlike Earth, the extraterrestrial lifeforms would have to cope with a much higher force of gravity and a much higher rate of solar radiation from its sun.
More gravity and more sun? Hmm. Perhaps Gliese 581c’s inhabitants would look something like these creatures…
This story raises all types of ethical questions about basic human rights in the U.K. Sounds to me like Mr. Dickless didn’t really want his penis any longer. Can’t a guy just be done with it if he wants? Why are the British so passionate about making sure penises stay attached to their respective owners?? No doubt, you can clip your toenails in a public place in London. Why not your dilznick??
Anyways, this is the scoop, courtesy of London’s Sun paper:
HORRIFIED diners watched in shock as a maniac sliced off his manhood in a crowded pizza restaurant.
The 35-year-old Pole burst into the Zizzi eaterie in central London and grabbed a knife from the kitchen.
Not the actual knife Crazy Town used to cut dick off.
He then leapt on a table and dropped his trousers as customers fled screaming.
A witness said: “There was blood everywhere. Everyone ran out of the place.”
Surgeons battling to save the severed willy tried to sew it back on in the first UK op of its kind.
Quick-thinking cops recovered the organ from the restaurant floor after subduing its crazed owner with CS gas.
The manhood was packed in ice and taken with the man to London’s St Thomas’s Hospital.
A spokesman there confirmed doctors had attempted to re-attach it, but the hospital refused to say whether the procedure had been successful.
The 200-seater restaurant on The Strand in central London was packed with runners and spectators from Sunday’s Marathon.
Sales rep Stuart McMahon, who was eating supper with his girlfriend, said: “This guy came running in then charged into the kitchen, got a massive knife and started waving it about.
“Everyone was screaming and running out as he jumped on a table, dropped his trousers and popped his penis out. Then he cut it off. I couldn’t believe it.
“The staff were really upset and there was blood everywhere.”
Police sped to the scene and restrained and handcuffed the man. Several diners were treated for shock by ambulance crews.
Last night cops were trying to establish the Pole’s background. He had left no identification in the clothing he discarded. A source said: “We believe he’s Polish and 35. We don’t know if he has a history of mental illness, but he’s clearly not a well boy.”
“He is now stable in hospital.”
The Royal College of Surgeons confirmed this was the first time that anyone in the UK had had their penis sewed back on.
If you listen closely, dude’s actually smacking lil’ kittie to the beat of Led Zeppelin’s “Four Sticks.”
Dudes, this is un-freakin’-believable!! NASA just released this photo today. I don’t know if you can make it out, but that’s a gigantic pot leaf hovering in the Earth’s stratosphere over Africa. I knew they was some gettin’-high muthafuckas in Djibouti, but this is some next level shit!!
Do you know how high we all could get today if we could twist up that planet-sized parcel of sticky-icky that’s currently causing a solar eclipse over South Africa?? Scientists say its red hairs and crystals alone could keep the continental U.S. smoked out, lifted, blunted, faded, zooted, toasted and dark roasted well into the 22nd century. I bet it’s some of that creeper weed too, so we wouldn’t even really start feeling da effects until 50 years after we toked.
Ooh!! Earth Day is just around the corner, too. Maybe this is God’s lil’ gift to all of us for having to put up with this whole global warming thing.
Oh wait, we’re causing that.
But seriously!! Maybe this Godzilla-ass sweat leaf really is a divine signal, like God saying, “Hey bro’s and chicas, check this out: if you guys stop fouling up Mother Earth with all your emissions, Ding Dong wrappers, and Pimp Juice cans or whatever, I’ll let you toke this celestial nug!!” Man, I’d pray for that. And if we could all chip in and get Dave Matthews Band to play some massive concert broadcast everywhere around the world while we all get baked, that would be killer, too.
OK, there’s a lot to sort between now and when we turn the old nuclear reactors at Three Mile Island into a giant bong. In the meantime, wherever you are today at 4:20 p.m., make sure you’ve got a big ol’ cloud of smoked cheeba in your lungs, brothers and sisters. Just like this lil’ alien dude. He knows how to party.
…Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Locku Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam.
But, um, you can just call him Akon.
He’s a real charmer. His songs are real sultry. His voice is real seductive. And he’s got the dance moves of a really scary serial rapist—or Thumper—as witnessed by this recent spazz-out at one of his concerts in Trinidad.
This be uplifting and shit. For reals. The beats is banging, but the lyrics really make me think about shit. And shit.
Super Deluxe is proud to hail from the same glorious metropolis as these lovely ladies. Now listen up as Alexyss K. Tylor learns ya about “the heat and intensity in they penis,” “Jack Rabbits,” a “rectum full of sperm,” and not letting men “hit the bottom of the vagina.”
We know you’re already hooked. So are we.
Check out some of her Web sites, too:
www.alexyssktylorvaginapower.com
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