Look, it’s as big of a mystery to me as it is to the rest of the non-Japanese world. Granted, perversions abound in every corner of the globe. You can’t even go on a three-night, four-day romp to London anymore without finding yourself smack dab in the middle of a Trafalgar Square butt-plug swap at some point.
But for some reason, the Japanese feel the need to take everything—be it sex or doggie cameras or fruit-tart candles or alarm clock piggie banks or rentable blow-up dolls or wooden iPod cases—to the Nth power.
That’s why our featured video of the day, Louis Katz’s Bukkake Milk, doesn’t seem so far fetched.
Happy Bukkake Friday!
Seems that old derogatory word that refers to homosexual men and rhymes with “maggot” has been on everybody’s lips lately. And not just gently resting on everyone’s lips. It’s been pulsing and throbbing all over them like a big, hard… um… controversial word.
To be frank, yours truly has been admonished several times for attempting to use the other F-Bomb (as I like to put it) here on this blog. Apparently, it’s considered “hate speech.” Which gave me not a little pause when I was writing what was to be this morning’s blog entry. Here’s a rough draft:
Your attention please, straight people of the world!! Please, listen to my pre-written warning!! My speech, if you will!! Ahem…let’s see. OK. There are certain people out there that sometimes are derided for their sexuality. Sometimes they’re called horrible names. Sometimes, people even refer to them as “_______”. Can you believe that?! “_______!!” I absolutely hate that word!!! I do!! I hate, hate, hate “_______”!!
And that’s when my editor cut me off. I know, I know. Sounds like a “hate speech” if you’ve ever heard one before, right? Well, it seems my loose lips have put me in odd company. Because this dumb “______” hater…
…is now in trouble for also dropping the other F-Bomb. The only difference is, she called Democratic presidential hopeful and former U.S. senator, John Edwards, a “______.” Here’s the details.
Obviously, I would “hate” nothing more than being lumped in the same politically-correct doghouse as the Queen of All Things Cunty, Ann Coulter. So, to clear my good name, I hearby declare that I will never use the word “______” in this blog ever again, neither in jest or in seriousnessnessness.
Is “cunty” too hateful?
It’s been a while since I chimed in about my move to Atlanta from the wilds of NYC, so here’s my progress report…
First off, let’s me say how stoked I am to be living in a town where it’s socially acceptable to use the word “wudn’t” in everyday life. I can’t explain what it is, but if you spent your formative years getting called a commie by Reagan-brainwashed 80s youth because you were a Russian immigrant, you’d realize that getting a Wudn’t Pass is akin to attaining the American dream. ::Cue Neil Diamond’s “America”::
Folks have had a lot to say about my grits intolerance. Someone swore that I just hadn’t found the right grit for me, going on to explain the subtleties between cheese and shrimp grits. Another devotee explained that grits were like a bare canvas awaiting my embellishment. To all of them, I say: go eat some steamed broccoli and shut the fuck up. Props, as always, to the local biscuits: I’m in ur thighz, filling ur belliez.
Also, seems most of you agree that Atlanta is full of fuckin’ crazy unattentive, maniac drunk drivers who love their cell phones. Therefore, it is with heavy heart that I must admit that I’ll soon be joining their ranks. I finally got around to enrolling in driving lessons. No, not my first ones EVER… just the first ones since I got my driver’s license (first time out, bitches!) at 17. I look forward to sharing the road with this guy:
This is a real pic I took out of a friend’s car at a red light. WTF is up with this asshole riding a 4-wheeler down Ponce on a Thursday night? I’m supposed to keep myself alive, remember to use my turn signals AND look out for douchebags like him? At least he was wearing a helmet… and probably a wireless headset.
Ya know, we had this thing called a transit system in NY—Atlanta should look into it, because it seems the city planning committee sure loves treating this metropolis like a giant Sims game (how else do you explain Atlantic Station?), so why not build a little choo-choo to run through it? Until then, look out for the Sunday driver in oversized sunglasses with the “student” flair on a tan Ford.
Man, I felt like I was straight trippin’ when I cracked open this morning’s newspaper. There was a story entitled, “Are you trippin’ over slang? Book keeps it real, fo’ shizzle.” It was all about an eight-page booklet that a county commissioner here has published called “Da Slang Thang: What Parents Need To Know.” Don’t know what “hydro” means, Mom? Check it! Can’t figure out what “flossin’” is, Dad? Then read up.
The paper also printed a lil’ informal quiz graphic that read:
Test your hipness. Guess the slang meaning of the following words:
1. Snowman
2. Trap
3. Hot
4. Grillz
5. Paper
6. Bangin’
7. Bananas
8. Celly
9. C.R.E.A.M.
10. Crib
Come on!! Those are so basic. I’ve known what “crib” has meant ever since MTV told me back in 2001. And I’ve been calling my coke dealer “snowman” since he sold me my first eight-ball in 10th grade. And I’m sure I’ve been using the term “bangin’” for one form of sexual perversion or another ever since I figured out how to masturbate.
Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I keep my ear to the street. Literally. Sometimes I play basketball with the neighborhood high schoolers and they end up knocking me down on the blacktop a lot. But I have to say, while I’m down there, I pick up a lot of new slang that these hapless city bureaucrats could only dream of compiling.
Here’s my latest top 10 that all the kids be sayin’ these dayz, for realz:
1. Space Queer - Chump, loser, best friend.
2. Smelly Celly - Cell phone that’s been jammed up one’s ass.
3. Fart Jar - Well, it’s a fart jar.
4. Tickle Pickle - Your dick, his dick.
5. Fecal - Paris Hilton. Of high quality; pleasing to look at.
6. Droopers - Flat tits, ball sacks, faces.
7. Hamburger - Ass meat, food.
8. Dick Worms - Dicks inside dicks.
9. Over-The-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder-Soldier - Girl who bravely jogs despite her 36DD’s.
10. Where My Dad Takes A Dump - One’s crib, home.
OK, now. Peace off, my space queers!!
…Or at least let the Army keep you from killing yourself.
Also, a friend and I saw Richard Lewis perform this weekend at a place called The Funny Farm. He did a 10-minute bit about what a shitty name that is for a comedy club. And then he did his Richard Lewis schtick for another 45-minutes before promptly cutting out. We felt kinda ripped off. But I’m too embarrassed to say how much I paid for the tickets.
Speaking of getting ripped off, did anyone see that James Cameron/Jesus special last night? Let us know what you thought. Personally, we like this interpretation better: Jesus Clones!
Dr. Seuss was quoted as saying “’Seuss’ rhymes with ‘voice.’” So, in honor of Theodor Seuss Geisel’s birthday—as well as the 50th anniversary of the printing of his classic, The Cat in the Hat—I will refer to him from now on as Dr. Soice.
No, I won’t. That’s gay. And I don’t do gay things anymore.
OK. As for the Dr. Soice (there I go!), I think the majority of people think his books were cool when they were children. But lots of things were cool. Keys were cool, too, to us as babies. If you jingled them in front of my face, it kept me from shitting myself for a brief moment. I once spent a whole weekend humping the couch when I was 8. In high school, I used to think it was cool to huff gas with a dude named MC SUPREME JUSTICE. No shit. He had a fucking baseball cap with that stitched on the side. He also had a tattoo of the Cat in the Hat dribbling Saddam Hussein’s decapitated head above a banner that read, “We Didn’t Start The Fire.” So Damn InSane!
Dr. Seuss would have been 103 years old today if he hadn’t died in 1991 at age 87. Death is bad. But fortunately, death did save Theodor Seuss Geisel from one thing: the scarring effect of ever having to watch Mike Myers’ Cat in the Hat movie.
Just a whiff smells like the Lorax farted in your face, doesn’t it? I challenge anyone to sit through that trailer and not be filled with the urge to take a dump in Mike Myers’ hat before firmly jamming it back onto his self-satisfied head.
OK, now, why don’t you chase that with this little mystery abortion:
What is that? Is somebody in a Cat in the Hat raver hat going to get killed in a moment? What’s that music?? What’s going to happen?? Oh, nothing. A fat girl walks in the picture and then this appears at the end…
Now, please direct your attention to the gentleman standing third from the right, second from the left. Neatly sandwiched between our Cat in the Hat guy and Elvis. See him yet? You don’t?? Maybe I should address him by name: The Chocolate Witch?? The Wicked Burn Victim Of The West?? The Simmering Shit-Smeared, David Lynch Creature That Lives In The Alley Behind Denny’s in Mulholland Drive??”
Who the fuck would let that guy in the house?!? Seriously. He wouldn’t get past my front door. “No, dude. You’re going to freak everyone out. Seriously. People just want to get fucked up. They don’t want to deal with you looking like a Wiccan Shit-pile.” I bet the guy on the far left invited him. He looks like he’s heavy into black face and UB40.
So, I was going to try to write in Dr. Seuss’ anapestic tetrameter style of rhyme or something, but instead I’ve gotten off-course. You should watch this brand new Devin Flynn clip. The Doctor would have probably liked it. Or maybe not.
Devin Flynn presents Y’all So Stupid #2.
She killed Kurt Cobain, didn’t she?? Because it now appears that the pure evil and abject insanity is eating its way out.
Thoughts??
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