Dr. Seuss was quoted as saying “’Seuss’ rhymes with ‘voice.’” So, in honor of Theodor Seuss Geisel’s birthday—as well as the 50th anniversary of the printing of his classic, The Cat in the Hat—I will refer to him from now on as Dr. Soice.
No, I won’t. That’s gay. And I don’t do gay things anymore.
OK. As for the Dr. Soice (there I go!), I think the majority of people think his books were cool when they were children. But lots of things were cool. Keys were cool, too, to us as babies. If you jingled them in front of my face, it kept me from shitting myself for a brief moment. I once spent a whole weekend humping the couch when I was 8. In high school, I used to think it was cool to huff gas with a dude named MC SUPREME JUSTICE. No shit. He had a fucking baseball cap with that stitched on the side. He also had a tattoo of the Cat in the Hat dribbling Saddam Hussein’s decapitated head above a banner that read, “We Didn’t Start The Fire.” So Damn InSane!
Dr. Seuss would have been 103 years old today if he hadn’t died in 1991 at age 87. Death is bad. But fortunately, death did save Theodor Seuss Geisel from one thing: the scarring effect of ever having to watch Mike Myers’ Cat in the Hat movie.
Just a whiff smells like the Lorax farted in your face, doesn’t it? I challenge anyone to sit through that trailer and not be filled with the urge to take a dump in Mike Myers’ hat before firmly jamming it back onto his self-satisfied head.
OK, now, why don’t you chase that with this little mystery abortion:
What is that? Is somebody in a Cat in the Hat raver hat going to get killed in a moment? What’s that music?? What’s going to happen?? Oh, nothing. A fat girl walks in the picture and then this appears at the end…
Now, please direct your attention to the gentleman standing third from the right, second from the left. Neatly sandwiched between our Cat in the Hat guy and Elvis. See him yet? You don’t?? Maybe I should address him by name: The Chocolate Witch?? The Wicked Burn Victim Of The West?? The Simmering Shit-Smeared, David Lynch Creature That Lives In The Alley Behind Denny’s in Mulholland Drive??”
Who the fuck would let that guy in the house?!? Seriously. He wouldn’t get past my front door. “No, dude. You’re going to freak everyone out. Seriously. People just want to get fucked up. They don’t want to deal with you looking like a Wiccan Shit-pile.” I bet the guy on the far left invited him. He looks like he’s heavy into black face and UB40.
So, I was going to try to write in Dr. Seuss’ anapestic tetrameter style of rhyme or something, but instead I’ve gotten off-course. You should watch this brand new Devin Flynn clip. The Doctor would have probably liked it. Or maybe not.
Devin Flynn presents Y’all So Stupid #2.
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Yes, the good doctor MAY HAVE had his run in with the salvadorian law, but he has taken years of irresponsible and probably extremely intense drug use and turned it into the greatest stories our little shit kickers have ever read. AND WHEN WE KICKED SHIT WE READ THEM TOO. But that was a long time ago, and ive cleaned my boots far too many times to dwell on that. The point here is that Dr. Seuss has some fucking problems man. I personally blame him for the attention deficit in our shitkickers. That sonofabitch taught them to think crazy from the beginning. How the hell are kids supposed to focus on anything when there are green eggs and ham around. Then all the sudden some shit about a turtle fag tower, and some dude walking with someones left foot tied to his right ankle by a shoestring, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF FOCUS HERE?