As a newbie to the Southland, I’ve tried my hardest to assimilate without putting my Yankee foot deep into my expletive-spewing mouth—’cause apparently that’s unladylike… or some shit like that. Surprisingly, it hasn’t always worked. In fact, I’ve already formed several opinions and prejudices about my new home in Atlanta, GA.
Biscuits = Good; Grits = Bad
Lauded as a Southern specialty, biscuits are, in fact, even more finger-lickin’ good when they’re not accompanied by a red bucket of chicken. And they’re delicious anytime—with breakfast, as a side dish or even as late night munchies. I’m still waiting on lab results to find out what’s in white gravy.
The same cannot be said of grits, which, as far as I can tell, are just a conduit for butter and/or cheese. Even the French wouldn’t eat this mushy, oddly textured paste. I would understand people digging this stuff if all Southerners were the toothless hillbillies seen in history books of yesteryear (and on The Simpsons), but this is the new South, people!
Moving Violations
The drivers in this fuckin’ town are insane—they offer no mercy to casual motorists, crossing streets (on those rare blocks where there are actual sidewalks) is like a game of Frogger, and I’m fairly certain they’re drunk most of the time. Oh yeah, there are no hand-free cell phone laws in Atlanta. Good luck, motherfucker.
Moreover, Atlanta has its own traffic rules, the most significant of which can be broken down into a simple formula and some mathematical values:
1. Atlanta Speed Limit = Posted Speed Limit + 15 mph
2. Points for hitting pedestrians = 1; points for hitting anyone on a scooter/Vespa = 5; points for hitting anyone on a Segway = 10.
The Hills Have Eyes
This is fuckin’ hill country. If you’re not going up a hill, you’re probably going down one. And chances are, you won’t see other motorists until they’re mere feet away from your front bumper. Pretty fun to drive on, otherwise. And good for walking to alleviate possible Biscuit Ass*.
Northern Charm Gone Bad
Generally, unless you’re comfortable with your local companion, you probably shouldn’t refer to their ethnicity and/or religion as “cracker-ass cracker.” I know, this is tempting after sipping on some fine Southern whiskey, but trust me on this one.
They keep me way too busy here at Super Deluxe to ever attend Miss Daisy’s Finishing School in my spare time (though perfecting a curtsy was part of my job orientation), so I look forward to more anthropological inquiries and interaction with the locals. Until then, I’ll be perfecting my peach cobbler recipe whilst jamming to Lil’ Wayne. That’s just how we do in the dirty dirty.
* Fat ass due to mass biscuit consumption.
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We here in da Dirt-Dirt sho’ do appreciate yo’ comments. Bitch!!
mmmmm i like dem biscuits and mustard…
The last time I was in Atlanta, Scarlett, there was no soap to be had. Not even in the hotel washrooms. Uh, before you shake someone’s hand, you’d better find out where it’s been!
Wellllll… I’ve lived in Atlanta my entire life and some thoughts: 1. Even we Southern ladies/ GA peaches/ debutantes say the dirtiest of words down here in the dirty dirty. My personal favorite is “cunt.” 2. Grits are an acquired taste but de-licious and you must find the right ones for you (shrimp & grits, cheese grits, etc.). 3. Driving in Atlanta/ traffic in Atlanta is reason enough to move and the drivers here are bat-shit crazy, don’t even try to be normal, be just as crazy to counter-act. Selfish driving is very effective.
Glad to have your positive attitude in town!
i LOVE grits!!! where did you have them? i will bring some of the good style in here one morning and we’ll have a grit-down . . .
cheese on your grits! thats what we call yankee grits. get you some red eye gravy, that goooooood. white gravy is the simplest food their is, also the deadliest. grease, flour, milk. sounds like health food to me. :)
Dude, trust me, not too many yankees are eating cheese grits. Most northerners put butter & sugar on them.
the south is what it is. dirty is dirty. and don’t feel bad i can’t stand grits and I grew up in mississippi.
but most of the drivers are drunk. so stand clear.
Having lived in Atlanta for almost 10 years now, the only thing that offended me from your post was that you suggested we need some “hands free” cell phone laws. Please. If you can’t talk on the phone, adjust the radio, and handle a cup of coffee at the same time, you don’t deserve to drive in the South!
yeah…south cackalacky chimin’ in here. grits r gross, unless u eat them with a fifth of whisky and a beer chaser. dirty-dirt…
Welcome to the South. You’ll be shovel’n grits down your throat in no time. Biscut ass is also appriciated by lot’s of men down here.
grits are just an even shittier version of polenta.
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