A few months ago, I was out of work and full of shit. I had just finished an eight-month stint of calling myself a producer at parties and found myself staring into a dark tunnel of occupational uncertainty. My master plan of drinking alone and talking to myself had failed to yield any prospects.
After falling off of a bicycle, I decided to proclaim myself a graphic artist and move to Portland. It only took a few weeks and twice as many drinks before I realized my new goal in life had about as much chance of producing favorable results as being an art major or hitting on a waitress. I decided instead to hyperventilate. After all, I had just turned 32 and the only thing I saw happening down my road was the possible fruition of a Ouija board’s prediction that I would die when I was 32.
Suddenly, my phone rang. Now, I typically don’t answer my phone because I’m a prick. I also don’t like to return calls because that’s exactly what they’d expect me to do. In fact, the only reason I have a phone is on the off chance that it may occasionally lead to sex.
I ignored my mood and answered the phone. It was a friend I’ve known since we met. He wanted to know if I had grown up and officially told my hopes and dreams to fuck off yet. I told him I had and that I had also switched from large shirts to medium. He went on to remind me that I am one of the funniest and most creative people in the universe and that I should think about a job that wouldn’t require me to utilize either of those traits.
He went on to describe a broadband comedy network called Super Deluxe that Turner was going to launch from Atlanta the day after his birthday and that he would really like some new video games. I mentioned that his birthday probably wasn’t a key factor in the site’s launch and that he should stop dropping hints; I wasn’t going to get him anything. The job was called “Content Production Manager Extreme,” which meant that I would be able to determine what most of the drawers in my desk would be used for. He asked me if I was interested.
The thought of returning to my hometown of Atlanta was almost as deflating as the awareness that I would have to move back in with my parents temporarily. I shrugged these thoughts off and decided to focus on the fact that, thankfully, the job wasn’t in Alabama. Mere days later, I flew to Atlanta to wait for the corporate machine to sort through a few other applications. I sat in my parents’ basement and watched as time slowly passed. Finally, by mid-October, the powers that be offered me the job, mentioning strange, new concepts such as “benefits” and “job satisfaction.”
Starting work right away, I promptly kicked someone out of his office and started throwing my weight around. It took three days before the power absolutely corrupted me, and they demoted me, stripping the word extreme from my title. It was another four days before they asked to turn in my keys to the executive stapler. Finally, I settled down and settled in, which I’m told is exactly the sort of thing a 32-year-old man should do.
So, I’ve successfully managed to burrow myself here into Super Deluxe. Contrary to the impression I get, I am sure both my opinions and I are respected and appreciated. Thanks to me, dry-erase boards around the office are up by 67 percent, morale is down, and mandatory sensitivity seminars are up. Not to mention my “Spreadsheet of the Day” is a huge hit. My saving grace is that no one really understands what I do enough to realize I’m not doing it very well.
Still, I have to admit that Super Deluxe would probably have turned out just fine if I hadn’t come along, but if Super Deluxe hadn’t come along, I’d probably be wandering the streets of Portland, drinking rubbing alcohol, and having sex with parking meters, with nothing but the medium-sized shirt on my back.
So, thank you, Super Deluxe.
SXSW Lost In Austin Brad Neely Super Deluxe Tim and Eric Nite Live Make Funny Not War music Baby Cakes Rants Bob Odenkirk Podcasts Atlanta Jonah Ray Professor Brothers Eugene Mirman Watch and Listen odd Austin Texas interviews Olde English Fark TV Devin Flynn Y'all So Stupid Chelsea Peretti Mess With Texas 2 Super Deluxe Uploaders Site Updates Daily Inspiration Launch blogs Hard N Phirm Xmas MySpace Drugs Are Bad Mmkay Reviews Dave Hill Thank You news Frumondah South By Southwest Super Deluxe employees Super Deluxe blog Tim And Eric NYC The Post Show Ben Schwartz Cartoon Corner All My Exes David Cross
“It was a friend I’ve known since we met.”
up there with peretti’s life is just .. it’s just one day after another. beautiful! i love obvious.
Well put, young Kif!! Indeed, you are lucky to have a job here!
well, well, well. A fine kettle of fish we weave.
bravo, outstanding, boo rah.
remember it always looks good on resume.
always, no never.
b
Ahhhh Kif. The more things change the more they stay the same. In a town your not completely sure you want to be in. A job you aren’t sure you can (or want) to do. In a ‘relationship’ you may (or may not) want to be in. Working with Shitsler again. I think may start calling you Circle K(if) from now on. But if it’s any consolation, I’m almost 37, living in Wilmington, working on a teenage ‘drama’and has of late become obsessed with World of Warcraft. Maybe I should move to Atlanta. Anyway, glad to see that the ‘real world’ hasn’t diminished your stake on the claim of ‘Mark Twain of Our Generation’.
I know what that’s like, I got out of the Army in Oct (kicked out for not getting a hair cut in Iraq - no joke). Here I am months later starting a new job at the local news paper’s graphics dept. Now, if only a super deluxe style story would happen to me…..and god help anyone who has sex with a parking meter.
Meter made.
If you would have asked me nicely, I would have given you a shot of 151 and a roll of quarters. Never mind, you’re better off at SD.
I had a similar gig at Apple and it lasted until eWorld crashed and burned, and they bailed on AOL. Hope SD lasts a very, very long time!
You are correct about several items. I laughed until I pooped.
This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read!
This is so awesome!
All right, Kif! From myself and the rest of the ladies in the legal department for SuperDeluxe, you rock. :)
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JYL
This is the most inspiring thing I’ve read all week. It gives me hope. Thank you, and thanks to Ted Turner.
is any one here
WHATS HAPPING !!!!!!!!!!!
i literally laughed out loud, is it brad? whoever this guy is is a genius!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU SUCK…
Does this site have a games section yet? I wanted to post some games but I do not know how.
For now you can play my games at http://www.animelegacy.org/moonwarsseries.php
you people fu*@%!%G suck you should all have your damn heads examined!!